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Friends & Family At Births

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This post might not be popular with some people, especially if you are a family member or friend who finds they resemble some of these descriptions. However, I work for my doula clients to make sure their birth experience is one they can cherish and this needs to be said:

If your pregnant daughter, friend, niece, granddaughter, cousin (or any imaginable relationship) requests that you not come to the place of birth while she is in labor — respect her wishes.

I can hear the excuses now. But we want to be there. But we want to see baby be born. But we want to be the first in the family to hold the baby. But she is my (insert relation). But the partner is (insert relation). But, but, but.

She said she didn’t want you there. Actually, she probably didn’t say I don’t want you to be there. She probably said something polite and nice like, please respect our privacy. I will be working hard to bring a child into the world. We would like our privacy. We will call you once we want you to come or once baby has arrived. It may take a long time and we don’t want you hovering. Please respect our privacy.

Please listen and respect her wishes. Please know this is an important day and if she has made any attempt to ask you to not intrude on her privacy and concentration, she has thought long and hard about how to convey this to you without hurting your feelings.

Let me tell you what happens in some scenarios when people don’t listen to and respect a laboring woman’s wishes. At worst, you can cause her labor to stall or completely stop or contribute to a dysfunctional labor that can put her at risk for interventions she has been wanting to avoid. This is especially true when a woman is attempting a natural birth, but it can happen even with an epidural for pain relief. On a less serious level you are disrupting her concentration and possibly creating a memory she would rather not have attached to the day her baby and your (insert relation) is born.

Why do I sound so harsh about this? Because after 16 years of being a doula I can tell you I have seen some family members behave in peculiar ways. Yes, I understand you are coming from a place of love and concern but it boils down to people making choices to disrespect what a laboring woman has requested. Here are some scenarios I have witnessed:

  • A laboring woman tells her family she is going to the hospital to be checked out and she will give them an update. Upon her arrival, she finds there is a room full of family eagerly asking private details she may not want to share and interfering with the staff assessments. Her labor stalls or stops and she is sent home, only to return a few hours later and this time to keep it to herself.
  • Despite clear instructions and a sign on the door that the laboring woman does not want visitors, family members continue to come in because they “just have to know what is going on.”
  • Family members falling down and wailing on the hospital floor when they hear a woman requires a cesarean for safety, disrupting the precise and necessary care from the medical providers.
  • Family members physically grabbing me and shaking me for updates.
  • A laboring woman finally getting a break from her labor either via a natural spacing in her contractions or some medicinal pain relief and taking a well deserved and needed nap only to have family members barge in wanting updates even though they had been told she is napping.
  • Family members bringing cheeseburgers and fries into the room of a laboring woman who hasn’t eaten in 12 hours.
  • Family members threatening to sue the staff if the baby isn’t here soon.
  • Family members accosting all staff, doulas, partners, and even the woman if any of them come out of the room and going so far as to be standing in the hallways eavesdropping with their ear against the door.
  • Family members making comments that they have never seen such a large belly, telling her to get an episiotomy, random myths and outdated advice, asking her why she is trying to go natural, telling their own birth horror stories, or one of the worst, saying I just don’t know what I would do if you or the baby died.

Are you thinking this is fabricated? It isn’t. This actually goes beyond a case of bad manners. These sorts of behaviors can be dangerous, especially if there is a medical situation going on. When an emergency cesarean is needed, staff needs to move fast. As a doula, I move out of the way and let them do their job when something becomes medical. Family members falling down in the hallway is hindering the staff and the well-being of mother and child, and possibly even other mothers and children. People expressing their love and projecting their fear by voicing that the process is taking too long or they are bored or that something negative will happen to the mother and baby is not only not helpful, it is harming the process and the persons you profess to love. Showing up at a hospital when you have been asked to wait for instructions is crossing a boundary of respect and can make a woman feel like she needs to hurry up. Speaking of, many family members actually say, can you hurry up and have this baby? I have had women hiding in their bedroom or hospital room and sometimes locking themselves in a bathroom simply to find the privacy she desperately requires.

Each woman is different on how she views the need for privacy during labor. In the early stages of labor, a room full of chatter and excitement may be helpful for some and unhelpful for others. As active labor begins, most women prefer a quiet and private environment. There are times I will step out and allow partners to work privately during labor. There is a reason nurses, midwives, and doctors do not sit and stare at their patients. We know that disruptions are disrupting, it is as simple as that. Childbirth is not glamorous and is usually messy. We have not arrived at a point in our society where it is acceptable or comfortable for women to ooze bodily fluids in front of others. Would you want someone to watch you moving your bowels? No, you would probably try to wait until you had a private moment and birth is much the same. Women need to feel supported and one way to support them is by listening to their wishes. If you have been asked to respect their privacy, please listen.

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As the mother of an adult daughter, I have often wondered how difficult it would be for me to know she is in labor and to have been asked to not participate in or view my grandchild being born. I understand it must be hard. I understand that our society has created much fear about birth. I understand that Hollywood makes it seem that a woman’s water releases/breaks and we have a baby born at the hospital mere minutes after a screeching ambulance races her there.

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That’s not how it works. That’s especially not how it works for first time moms. Average labor time is approximately 15 hours. Average pushing time is 2 hours for first time moms.The placenta may take several minutes or longer to be birthed after the baby.  Unless you live many hours away, there will be time for you to arrive. After a baby is born we want mom, partner, and baby to have a minimum of one hour for bonding and breastfeeding and that is after the clean up, physical assessment of baby and mother, and any repairs. Your loved one just birthed a baby into the world and needs that time to de-escalate and bond with and nurse her baby. You could be notified the moment the baby is born and if you live locally would still have time to be waiting to see the baby.

The baby will not grow 2 heads or horns or grow up and go to college before you get there. I promise. And you might be able to bring that new mama a wonderful favorite meal on your way to visit (don’t forget daddy or partner!).

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If you are anxious, excited, nervous, antsy (and who wouldn’t be) I have a list of suggestions for you.

  • If you are crafty, work on creating something for baby
  • Go grocery shopping or cook freezer meals for the new family
  • Clean their home (with permission of course)
  • Walk their dogs, do any errands they may need
  • Write a letter to your loved one(s) and the new baby arriving
  • Go shopping for last minute essentials or just for fun
  • Assemble any baby items that need assembling (swings, bouncers)
  • Make every attempt to send peaceful and positive thoughts, prayers, and vibes
  • Trust that her request for privacy is in her best interests and what she needs

If you simply must be at the place of birth, find the waiting area and occupy yourself with something and wait for more information. Family members can be a wonderful source of encouragement. I am in no way advocating that family and friends be kept out of the loop or prohibited from being at the birth if the mother wants their support and company. I have seen mothers, sisters, cousins, best friends, brothers, fathers, mother in laws, etc., be a positive and useful source of support and encouragement– but please be invited.

Kimberly Sebeck, AKA Knoxville Doula, 2016

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A Glimpse Into Postpartum Work

I have been doing quite a bit of postpartum doula-ing lately. More clients request my birth services but I really enjoy being hired to do postpartum work, too. Sometimes people are not as familiar with what a postpartum doula does, or doesn’t do.

My services are really quite flexible and dependent on what each family needs. Some moms have me come over and basically “pick my brain” about feeding the baby, newborn care, postpartum recovery, infant milestones,  etc., and that consumes the majority of my block of time. I choose to come over to a home for a minimum of 3 hours but it can certainly be longer. Other moms understand how important rest is and feel safe and relaxed enough with me watching over their new baby so they can go take a blissful long nap, with maybe a shower thrown in. Other families want to soak in every second of the newborn period with their baby and I do errands and simple household tasks. I also attend doctor visits like the first pediatrician appointment or a postpartum visit for the new mom.

I don’t do heavy cleaning. It’s far less expensive to hire a housekeeper than a postpartum doula. I do light tasks: loading the dishwasher, laundry, running errands, sterilizing breast pumps and/or bottles, putting together infant gadgets like monitors and swings, making a snack for mom or starting a meal for dinner. Speaking of dinner, I actually love to cook for my families especially if I am going to be there for a good amount of hours for the day. I give them a list of recipes that I am familiar with and good at and let them send me to the store or give them a list of ingredients to pick up. Imagine how good it sounds to have a knowledgeable person come over to answer newborn questions, perform household tasks, and then be able to enjoy my now famous chicken and dumplings or a refreshing summer salad. If the partner has already returned to work they can come home and focus on bonding and family time instead of working all day and then coming home to a list of things to do.

Frequently the question comes up of: what will we do for 3 hours? Once I am there and a mom sees how wonderful and valuable a postpartum doula is they often request more hours in a day. It might seem awkward at first to have someone in your home but that feeling quickly dissipates. I can be the person you confide in when you’re having some “baby blues” or postpartum mood disorders and I have the resources of where to get help. I can be the person who helps you ease into motherhood without any judgment. I can give suggestions about trying to get enough sleep, how to soothe sore nipples, and also dispel some of the misinformation given out by family, friends, and online sites. Having trouble figuring out your K’Tan or Moby? I will help you practice so you feel confident wearing your baby. Those sheets you have been sweating in, bleeding on, and leaking breastmilk into? I can change those out for fresh ones.

I will help you find your way to being the best parent in the manner that suits your lifestyle. One day you will be the one telling me what the baby needs and that is exactly how being a postpartum doula works. I work myself out of a job as you grow into parenthood and recover through the fourth trimester.

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All Rights Reserved, Knoxville Doula, Kimberly Sebeck 2016

www.knoxvilledoula.com

 

 

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New Class — Your Fourth Trimester

Find Tickets Here

Event Description

The Fourth Trimester — this class will cover transitioning your baby from the womb to the world, caring for your postpartum self, therapeutic exercises to help heal after birth, developmental milestones, and much more.

Through my training and experience in the NICU and pediatric population as an OT, I have gathered different techniques and knowledge I cannot wait to share with you and your growing family!

Wear something comfortable! Bring any snacks and water for yourself. There’s a kitchen you can use as well.

There will be hands on practice and
exercises!

$75/couple
$60 early bird special if registered before February 6th.

Donate a ticket to a couple that would love to go!

Taught by Autumn Synowiez, OTR/L

WHEN
Saturday, February 20, 2016 from 9:00 AM to 12:30 PM (EST) Add to Calendar
WHERE
Knoxville Doula – 1400 N 6th Ave, Ste D5 Knoxville, Tennessee 37917 Knoxville, Tn 37917 –View Map
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New Postpartum “Baby Basics” Classes offered at Knoxville Birth Resource Center!

One of a kind postpartum classes now offered by Delighted Doula!
Proudly announcing Knoxville’s one of a kind postpartum class “Baby Basics”!
Baby Basics is a fun, interactive, hands-on class that will help to prepare and educate expectant parents. Taught by Delighted Doula’s owner and CAPPA certified postpartum doula Amber Chamblee, this will be a class that any and all expectant parents won’t want to miss! Follow the link below to learn more and pre-register. http://www.delighteddoula.com/baby-basics/

There are currently 2 dates available in July — click the link for more info and to pre-register!

 

Knoxville Birth Resource Center is at 428 E. Scott Avenue, Suite 100, Knoxville, TN 37917

 

 

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Birth in Knoxville and East Tennessee — Exciting!

I’m writing a quick blog out of the gratitude in my heart for all of the amazing things that have happened recently in Knoxville for birth and options involving pregnancy and birth. I say recently because I started professionally being a doula and childbirth educator in 2000 — and things were very different then. There were a handful of amazing doulas, some childbirth educators, Lisa Coomer, CPM, and of course the Lisa Ross Birth and Women’s Center. We were here, but sometimes our time and resources were limited.

What’s changed?

Now in Knoxville and East TN we have a lot more doulas and childbirth educators! There are placenta encapsulation services offered by East TN Placenta Medicine. There is a re-opening of Cutie Tooties Cloth Diaper store this weekend — and the owner, Emelie, is opening up her classroom to many birth professionals. Some of the offerings are regular Breastfeeding and Newborn Care Classes, Meet the Doula events, Comfort Measures Classes, a Breastfeeding Circle with regular meetings… just so many events so that any mother and family in the area can explore their options. Carry Me Close is a business by a mom and midwifery student — she offers hand made baby-wearing carriers and custom makes them and meets with you to show you how to wear them. Another mama sews cloth sanitary pads and much more. ICAN of Knoxville and Knoxville Birth Network are fairly recent (in the last 2 years) but more people are becoming aware of the regular meetings and support offered through these networks and local volunteers.

Some people have made remarks about how there is more “competition” for doulas. I do not ever feel that way — years ago if my schedule was too full or I was not available for a birth due to travel, it truly hurt me to turn someone down, and I worried about those who were not aware of the then available resources.  Now I firmly believe that any woman who wants a doula has not only the option of having one, but finding the very best fit for her and her family. Now there are so many  more options for classes! Today’s schedule is hectic enough without having to worry about taking time off for classes, or missing the only one offered in a month, or before a due date. It’s nice for me, too — getting to network with birth professionals, help one another, provide and receive support and bounce ideas off of one another.

Grateful is how I would sum it up. Go get the pregnancy and birth experience you want and deserve!

p.s. I apologize for not putting links in to the great resources I mentioned, but I’m out the door for an event — I will try to add these later, or simply search on Google or Facebook.

 

All Rights Reserved, 2011, Kimberly Sebeck, Knoxville Doula

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Avoiding Traumatic Birth

We’re hearing a lot about traumatic birth lately. It’s always been around, but more women kept quiet about it or maybe didn’t realize there was any other way to give birth. With the explosion of the internet and social networking, women are discovering they had unnecessary, potentially or actually harmful, and often traumatic interventions and events on one of the most important days of their life — birthing their child.

Know your options!

Did you know that in the Knoxville, TN, area you have genuine options to help avoid a traumatic birth? Some are:

  • Natural Childbirth Classes (not hospital sponsored ones, but true learning experiences, such as Bradley or Hypnobirthing)
  • Doulas. Antepartum, birth, and postpartum doulas are available — and our numbers are increasing to give you options
  • Home Birth Midwifery
  • Free-standing Birth Centers
  • ICAN of Knoxville (International Cesarean Awareness Network) local meetings for support, education, and information
  • Knoxville Birth Network meetings, a division of Birth Network), also for information and support
  • Chiropractors and massage therapists (along with other professionals) trained to optimize pregnancy and birth

These are a few of the options available to help you avoid a traumatic birth in the first place, or recover and heal from a previous one or ones.

The question is: Are you taking advantage of these resources?

Every week, I get numerous emails or phone calls from women who say, “If I’d known inducing for non-medical reasons would have led to a cesarean section”, or “I thought about taking a class but didn’t find the time”, or “I thought about using a doula but we didn’t”, or “My doctor said I couldn’t VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), so I just scheduled another surgery” or “My doctor said my pelvis was too small/baby too big/ why even try labor”… and on and on.

The emails make me sad for many reasons. They make me sad a woman didn’t get the birth experience she wanted and deserved, but they also make me sad that the useful and wonderful resources available are not being utilized. This is not to say it is a woman’s fault if she is suffering from birth trauma–not all births will go the way we desire them even after making the most concerted efforts. However, if you’re on the fence about seriously exploring your options, your chances of ending up unhappy with your birth experience are going to be far greater.

Interview some midwives, interview some doulas, take childbirth classes. In the U.S., women regrettably educate themselves more about buying a car, or a purse, or finding a good daycare than they educate themselves about the birth of their baby. Interview different OB/GYN’s and hospitals, even. Don’t take your neighbor’s or sister-in-law’s recommendation just because they “liked” their OB/GYN or because he or she was “nice”. Ask questions. What is their cesarean rate? What is nursery and newborn policy? I cannot list here all the interview questions to ask different birth professionals, so research what you desire and make sure your birth team is in line with your desires.

If you have not yet seen some eye-opening films, take the time to do so. The Business of Being Born, Gentle Birth Choices, Pregnant in America are all good starting points. Have your significant other read, “The Birth Partner” by Penny Simkin, a book I advise all of my clients to read. Look into different information about doulas, which can easily be found on well-known and reputable sites such as DONA, CAPPA, and The American Pregnancy Association. Attend one of the often free meetings held by birth organizations.

We’re here to help you have the best birth experience possible.. please take advantage of what’s offered and make the time, make the investment so you don’t later send an email saying, “if only…”. Perhaps there will still be something you didn’t like or that was traumatic during your birth experience, but you will have the satisfaction and empowerment of knowing your options and having done your research. No one can tell you what is the best scenario for you, your baby, and your family. Invest in knowledge.

Resources:

www.pennysimkin.com
www.knoxvillehomebirthservices.com
www.cappa.net
www.ican-online.org
www.dona.org
www.birthnetwork.org
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=170751447099
www.doulamatch.net
www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com
www.waterbirth.org
www.icpa4kids.com
www.knoxvilledoula.com
www.bradleybirth.com
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/labornbirth/havingadoula.html

All Rights Reserved, 2011, Kimberly Sebeck, CLD, CCCE, Knoxville Doula